A Far-from-Comprehensive Round-up of This Year’s Scary Movies

‘Tis the season to shit your pants at AMC.

Oct 31, 2024

As many of you know, I am a horror whore. So is my boyfriend, the poet and TV writer Tommy Pico, who I am explicitly naming here for the sole purpose of annoying him with a Google Alert after he just finished emptying his inbox. (Ily, baby.)

We get told we’re a literary power couple all the time, but I’m afraid we don’t exercise the clout that comes with that title so much as we spend most of our time going to the movies. If it feels like it’s been an exceptionally buzzy year for horror movies, you’re not wrong; a lot of the movies coming out this year were ones whose releases were delayed as a result of last year’s strike. There are still a number we are eager to see, like Speak No Evil and The Substance, which reminds me: I’m out of adult diapers!

To celebrate spooky season, I thought I’d round up a handful of the many scary movies we’ve seen this year. Please note that these are not actual reviews, just a summary of my initial reactions upon leaving the theater, peppered with the occasional bon mot and general tomfoolery. This is not the place for deep thematic explorations or an exhaustive investigation into an unorthodox use of a narrative device; this is the express lane for people with ten brain cells or fewer.

No spoilers, only impressions!

***

1. MaXXXine

Here’s the thing: I was reluctant to see this movie in theaters because I can’t go anywhere without being mistaken for Ms. Mia Gotherina!!!!!!!!! Imagine going into the Barnes & Noble at the Grove in Los Angeles and having a throng of homosexuals cluster around you, lauding you for your performances in X and Pearl while you peruse cookbooks and pretend to know what you’re looking for (all because you got a little too stoney-bologna the other night and told your boyfriend that, contrary to his preconceived opinion on your cooking skills, you do possess a morsel of culinary dexterity [even though you have ruined cereal before], and now you must deliver a meal that is not just edible, but somewhat tasteful), and now you also have to disappoint a gaggle of gays by telling them you’re not horror’s hottest darling, but a mentally ill writer with overprocessed hair! I will never know peace!!!!!!

In all seriousness, I love this woman. Every time I watch something she’s in, it almost feels like an exclusive exchange, from one weirdo to another. I would watch her hock a gadget that takes your left-over soap scraps and compresses them into a full bar of soap on QVC for eleven hours straight. The trailer for MaXXXine, the third installment of Ti West’s arthouse horror film series X, had me hook, line, and sinker, and Tommy and I were in the proverbial front row (middle section, closest to the aisle for easy exit access) before it even officially came out, thanks to a friend. In the final chapter of the trilogy, our beloved fame-hungry aspiring actress carves a space for herself in 1980s Hollywood as an adult film star, but when she finally gets her big break, a mysterious killer targeting a slew of starlets threatens to expose Maxine’s portentous past.

As a writer, do I have notes? Sure. Would I have done some things differently? You bet! But sometimes, I don’t want to watch a movie as a writer. I can’t turn that part of my brain off, so I treat it like white noise while I watch something just for fun, which is what MaXXXine is. It was a rollicking ride, and I was entertained from beginning to end. It was gorgeously shot (a lot of it was filmed down the street from me in Hollywood!) and captured what I love most about my neighborhood—an amalgam of filth and glamour in which you can’t tell where one ends or the other begins—and the performances were exceptional. As a hardcore fan of the series, I wasn’t satisfied with this being the final chapter, but as someone who just wants to watch one of his favorite girlies step on some dude’s balls with her heels, practically twisting them off like a goddamn skin tag, I was delighted.

2. Longlegs

Probably one of the most polarizing movies of the year—every person I’ve talked to about this film has either loved or hated it—Longlegs is a psychological horror starring horror it-girl-on-the-rise Maika Monroe and Nicholas Cage as a murdering mound of bread dough covered in flour. I’m in the loved-it camp by virtue of the sound design (those opening credits!) and cinematography alone; every shot rendered the film’s austerity with haunting captivation, and Monroe blew me away with yet another knockout performance (I first saw her in 2022’s Watcher and I said, more like someone to watch!!!!!! [I’m sorry.]) as an FBI agent investigating a serial killer who targets families with daughters born on the fourteenth, uncovering occult clues along the way that connect the murders to her own past.

This film burrowed its way under my skin, unsettling me and sending my blood pressure sky-high with the fair number of jump-scares peppered in between the baseline level of unease that’s established from the beginning. Also, Longlegs, the satanic doll-maker played by Cage, isn’t even the scariest part of the film, and I appreciate any film that zigs when you think it’s gonna zag.

3. Trap

This movie was so spectacular in the sense that it will definitely join the pantheon of movies-so-bad-they’re-good you watch on nights in with your friends alongside titles like Trolls 2, Catwoman, and Mortal Kombat: Annihilation. (For example, in the third act, Josh Harnett’s character takes his shirt off and remains shirtless for pretty much the rest of the movie for no reason whatsoever????? Not that anyone’s complaining…) In M. Night Shyamalan’s latest romp, law enforcement orchestrates an elaborate sting during a concert to capture a serial killer known as “The Butcher” (played by Harnett), whom they suspect is in attendance. However, he’s not there as a ruthless murderer, but as a dad who took his daughter to see her favorite popstar perform, which is the film’s first attempt to explore themes of duality.

My biggest gripe about this film—and this is why I have no business ever writing any actual movie reviews—is the fact that the concert (which takes place indoors, inside an arena) IS HAPPENING AT, LIKE, ONE IN THE AFTERNOON?????? I don’t know why this bothers me so much, but IT DOES. Do you see Taylor Swift doing a matinee at Madison Square Garden? Is Lady Gaga wrapping up a show just in time for her fans to make the early bird special at Texas Roadhouse??? NO, BITCH! If a show is sold out, they usually just add another night. Why is there a high-budget production happening before two in the afternoon, did Disney Jr. Live on Tour cancel their show??????? Now, of course, one can argue that the police and the venue and the performer’s team are all working closely together (which they are) to apprehend a notorious criminal, and ostensibly presume that succeeding in doing so hinges on the fact that it’s easier to monitor a crowd exiting in daylight, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it!!!!!

Anyway, this intentionally silly, self-aware thriller is worth the watch if you’re in the mood to be entertained (or tear a movie apart while you get drunk with the group chat).

4. A Quiet Place: Day One

I goon for this post-apocalyptic horror movie franchise even in my sleep. This is a prequel to the two movies, about the early stages of the alien invasion. It stars Lupita Nyong’o (who ate, did that thing rhythmic gymnasts do when they throw a hoop or ball in the air and catch it with any leftover crumbs, and went back for seconds) as a terminally ill patient who finds herself trapped in New York City on the day the blind but ultra sound-sensitive monsters descend upon Earth.

I left the theater with a gray streak in my hair like Rogue from the X-Men; I jumped about every eight minutes and tightly held onto Tommy like a goddamn human blood pressure cuff. Also, during the movie, right before the two leads open a door with profoundly tense hesitation, THE FIRE ALARM WENT OFF. IN THE LITERAL THEATER.

NO.

Once we returned, resumed the movie, and began again soaking our seats in sweat, the movie kicked it into high gear in the third act, tugging on our heartstrings with a tender moment shared between two unlikely friends before plunging us back into terror and chaos. This movie can’t slap (because sound), but it can sign applause in ASL!

5. Cuckoo

This was one of my personally highly anticipated films of the year. Every time the trailer would come on during a preview for another movie we watched, I would grip my armrest so tightly it would dislodge when I moved my still-clutched hand. No armrest was safe when we sat down for this one.

A seventeen-year-old girl (grieving the death of her American mother) is forced to move with her father, stepmother, and mute half-sister to a resort town in the Bavarian Alps. While her family is there to help build a hotel, Gretchen (played by Hunter Schaffer) begins to suspect something nefarious afoot, especially after a terrifying encounter with a goggle-sporting hooded woman, while biking home one night. Her suspicions are confirmed when her dad’s enigmatic boss, Herr König (Dan Stevens), takes a special interest in her half-sister, Alma, which leads her to discover a dark and dangerous experiment; one that she risks her own life over when Alma becomes a subject. It’s bonkers, over-the-top, and involves scary, human-like bird monsters, whose origin, while predictable from a narrative standpoint, still send shivers up and down my spine.

My ears are still ringing from this film, and yes, it has something to do with the title.

6. The Deliverance

7. The Front Room

You know that box-and-stick trap trope? You can lure me anywhere with Brandy. When I heard that Brandy would be starring in a horror movie, I jumped up and down like I had won a home theater system on The Price Is Right. Judging by the previews alone, we knew we were in for a romp. So off we went one Saturday night, to the Universal Cinema AMC at CityWalk Hollywood, where I took a hit from my weed pen when I thought I was alone in the men’s room and blew the smoke directly into a little boy’s face exiting one of the stalls.

Here's the thing: I can’t really remember this movie because I’m pretty sure I got higher just from watching it.

In this pipe dream of a psychological thriller, a newly pregnant couple takes in a highly religious, boundary-crossing estranged stepmother in exchange for a hefty inheritance. Before long, Belinda (Brandy) begins to experience racial microaggressions from her stepmother, Solange (WHY WAS HER NAME SOLANGE?????????), who is a proud certificate-carrying member of the Daughters of the Confederacy. Soon things become increasingly sinister when Solange attempts to sabotage her son and daughter-in-law’s relationship, even going so far as to undermine them by strongly suggesting they change the name of their child from Fern to Laurie. The couple begins to wonder if getting their mortgage paid off was worth walking into their own home directly after giving birth only to encounter an aggressively religious prayer circle taking place in their living room.

I will say that the ending was a little disappointing, but made narrative sense. Other than that, I don’t remember anything else from this movie because I had to be given Narcan by the time the credits rolled.

8. Smile 2

I walked into this one expecting to hate it based on the trailers. Again, my grievances are insipidly trite and will probably make your eyes roll, but no matter how wildly beloved a movie is, if something—minor or not—rubs me the wrong way, like a sweater whose texture you’ve become hypersensitive to and therefore must pry off immediately, I will cast the movie away on the whole. My issue based on the previews: WHICH POPSTAR IS NOT CONSTANTLY SURROUNDED BY AN ARMADA OF ASSISTANTS, STYLISTS, REPS, AND 1,000 OTHER PEOPLE BACKSTAGE RIGHT BEFORE A SHOW? Maybe it’s because my best friend has been on three world tours and I know about the calamity surrounding the star backstage, but still. I know it’s a movie, but CAN WE LIVE IN REALITY JUST A LITTLE????

These preconceived notions were dispelled almost immediately.

This movie was so fucking wild that Tommy and I drove home in complete silence. There was a palpable tension maintained throughout the entire film; I had to watch an episode of the fucking Brady Bunch when I got home in order to decompress. Smile 2 elicited the most animated reactions out of both of us: We actually screamed at the top of our lungs. I also have a high threshold for gore. So does Tommy. There was no threshold for this movie; they pushed the line and then pole-vaulted over it directly into a bottomless well of brutality. Gruesome as it was, it was still an exceptional movie, maybe even surpassing the first one.

In this sequel, Naomi Scott plays a Gaga-esque pop star who is terrorized by an unseen evil presence before embarking on a highly anticipated sold-out world tour. Already struggling with the pressures of fame, and in active recovery from drug and alcohol abuse, she is also pushed, oftentimes to the brink, by her mother (and manager), played by the phenomenal Rosemarie DeWitt. All of this causes her to spiral out of control, leading to one of the most diabolical endings to a movie I’ve ever seen.

Bitch, run, don’t walk to the nearest theater and see this film, and then run right the fuck back out.

SOS (Save Our Serotonin)

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