‘American Horror Story: New York City’ Predictions
Dollar slices are now $1.14 due to inflation.
Rejoice, ghouls and gays, for it is spooky season once more! Let’s be honest, I wear my various forms of Elvira merch year-round, but it is nice to be on the same page as almost everyone else for a month—why am I at Gap Kids covered in blood? Duh, Halloween is coming!!!!!!
To kick off the most frightening time of the year, I thought I would share my predictions on what I think we can expect to see in the new season of American Horror Story, titled American Horror Story: New York City. While it’s clear where the eleventh season of Ryan Murphy’s wildly popular anthology series takes place, not much else is known about this latest installment.
As a giant fan of the series, and long-time resident of the Big Apple, I have some guesses. And don’t forget to pop your own predictions into the comments below!
1. Someone’s AirPods die on a crowded train ride.
2. The passageway at the Fourteenth Street/Sixth Avenue subway station keeps getting longer and longer the farther someone walks to transfer to the 1, 2, and 3 lines.
3. The feeling of being followed suddenly overtakes some poor, unsuspecting soul while they try to take in all of Times Square. They peer behind them. Nothing. They turn back around and come face-to-face with the ominous stranger who asks, “You wanna see a comedy show?”
4. A new transplant moves to Bushwick. Shortly thereafter, they get into an accident, and lose their memory—but not all of it! They only forget Björk’s entire discography. They are then hog-tied by a bunch of queers wearing Carhartt overalls behind a bar called Mood Ring, and then sacrificed to Vidar, the Norse god of the forest.
5. Someone bumps into Debbie Harry downtown, and they’re wearing flip-flops.
6. Like Russian Doll, except every time someone tries to leave the bathroom they entered at a house party, they exit into an Irish pub in midtown during a weekday happy hour.
7. Someone is being chased through an empty subway train late at night. They run from empty train car to empty train car while dialing the “If you see something, say something" line, but it’s just Susanne Bartsch on the other end of the line, laughing maniacally.
8. Penn Station.
9. Dollar slices are now $1.14 due to inflation.
10. A series of unsettling events unfolds around town. While looking at a map, it is noticed that each of these events is equidistant to the others, and, upon closer inspection, it is realized that they all come together to form a pentagram. And at the center of that pentagram? The Delancey-Essex Street McDonald’s.
11. “Surprise, bitch. I bet you thought you’d seen the last of me,” except it’s Bill DiBlasio.
12. You sit down to tune into an episode of American Horror Story: New York City, except when you turn on your TV, it’s a live feed of you, which is being broadcast to every cool fashion kid who’s ever stood in line for a Supreme drop, and now they’re all watching you sit there in your crusty sweater with a honey mustard stain in the shape of Connecticut on your left titty.
13. The Strand Bookstore is turned into a Spirit Halloween.
Art by: James Jeffers
Editorial assistant: Jesse Adele
You can follow my other unhinged missives by following me on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook. My debut memoir, Born to Be Public, is out now.