An Unhinged Recap of ANTM: Cycle 7, Episode 6
An occasional recap of our perennially problematic fave.
While summer takes its final curtain call, I have already begun microdosing fall by unearthing my favorite tattered sweater and listening to my carefully curated playlist for brooding on Spotify while mentally sulking on the moors. I would say I’ve also begun hibernating, but I don’t need all of the friends and family with whom I share my location to call me out like, “BITCH, YOU LITERALLY NEVER LEAVE YOUR HOUSE.”
But you know what else is around the corner? Spooky season, hello! Which I celebrate year-round, except on the summer occasion I crack open a window or two and light a coastal breeze-scented candle. I recently did a Stephen King marathon, watching the classics and comparing-and-contrasting them with their remakes, like It and Carrie, and I needed something light after all the blood and gore, which is how we’ve arrived at this recap.
This episode was chosen at random, as in I literally Facetimed my best friend, told her to pick a number between one and twenty-four, and then another number between one and fifteen, and then I hit Play. Buckle up!
Warning: spoilers!
***
In this episode, we open with the girls milling around the house, continuing with getting to know one another, some bonding, some…not.
Me at a movie matinee.
While Melrose continues serving as a catalyst for tension both in and out of the house, the other girls find themselves, well, finding themselves—especially Michelle, who reveals that she might be gay or bisexual.
Me, and every other little gay boy, staring at a package of Fruit and the Loom briefs when going shopping with our moms as kids.
Michelle’s twin sister, Amanda, becomes noticeably quiet and distant after this disclosure, but she later tells Tyra that it’s only because she’s worried about her sister, especially since she may have just come out on TV in front of millions of people before telling those closest to her. (This is sort of how I came out, except I was blogging about doing anal on Blogspot and my parents googled me.)
With her sister by her side, Michelle decides to call her mom and tell her that she might possibly be gay or bisexual.
Me renting hockey skates instead of figure skates every time I go ice skating.
Their mom assures her that she loves her daughter no matter what, and Michelle and Amanda enjoy a tender sisterly moment before it’s interrupted by the arrival of Tyra Mail, which has them cramming into a limo moments later for that week's challenge.
They arrive at a studio and are greeted by ET correspondent, Mark Steines, who teaches the girls some of the tips and tricks to interviewing celebrities on the red carpet. They are then given the chance to practice on Mike.
Like any other challenge, some…do better than others!
Me when I'm asked if Pepsi's okay.
After practicing on Mark, the girls have their skills put to the test by interviewing supermodel and former ANTM judge, Janice Dickinson, at a red-carpet event for a fashion designer’s latest collection or whatever (I wasn’t paying attention here; I was perusing the menu for a new chicken finger spot that just opened up in my neighborhood on Uber Eats).
I can’t think of a better subject to practice on—you never know what this OG supermodel will say or do—and that is why we love her.
This is my new author photo, with the closed captioning and all.
I need to go off-topic for just a second here. Have you all seen Ms. Dickinson’s driver’s license photo? I recently saw this in a friend’s Instagram story, and I have been gagged ever since.
I mean, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?????????????????? MEANWHILE, my driver’s license photo, which has remained the same since my senior year of college, looks like Kelly Osbourne after an arrest in Tampa.
I don't want to talk about it.
Anyway, back to the challenge.
The girls take turns interviewing Janice, to varying degrees of, let’s go with, success-adjacent.
I’m not exactly sure what CariDee meant to ask her, but it doesn’t matter because she ends up winning the entire cycle. Work!
In the meantime, the other girls take turns interviewing Janice, who continues to throw them through loops, which is actually helpful—considering that, when you’re interviewing someone, especially a high-profile figure, you need to be prepared to think on your feet. (I’m speaking from experience: once I was interviewing a famous singer on the set of a photoshoot and, in the middle of me asking them a question, they literally walked away to make a plate of food for themselves at the catering station.)
I can't explain it, but this entire frame is actually me disassociating at the Apple Store.
Things go downhill as the challenge progresses:
Janice then comes for A.J.’s hat, which, I mean…
Granted, this was the mid-2000s; we were all wearing fashions that looked like they were procured from a storm drain.
Melrose ends up winning the challenge, and her reward is interviewing various CW stars on the red carpet as an ET correspondent for a night. The next morning, Tyra just walks into their house and crawls into bed with one of the twins.
Can you imagine being woken up by Tyra Banks crawling into bed with you? I can, because she did this just the other day to me. Then she quizzed me on state capitals. Oh, Tyra!
The girls have a chance to sit down one-on-one with Tyra, sharing their thoughts and feelings—tears and catharsis abound! Feeling emotionally recharged, the girls are ready to take on their photoshoot challenge, in which they are transformed into celebrity couples.
LMAO MY BROTHER IN CHRIST ARE U READY FOR THIS??????????
First up, we have Eugena portraying Jay-Z and Beyoncé:
Let’s take a beat here. I am no stranger to the undercurrent of foul sorcery this show derives its life source from, but this is just next-level. I seldom sympathize with celebrities, but no one deserves this!
Up next, Anchal, who is literally a goddess, portrays Oprah and Stedman Graham. I’m not getting Oprah—their side-by-side just gives me two beautiful women wearing the same color dress—but the styling for Stedman takes the cake—and not in a good way.
Will defer to the closed captioning on this one.
Some other highlights include CariDee as Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie:
Me smuggling half a dozen Tupperware containers' worth of salad from the salad bar at Ruby Tuesday.
And A.J. as Marc Anthony and Jennifer Lopez—uncanny!:
Then we have Brooke as Kevin Federline and Britney Spears:
No.
That snake is working overtime.
Jaeda as Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston:
I felt the opposite.
Side note: what the fuck is this set? Are they at a Hyatt?
The devil works hard, but the producers of ANTM work harder, because, of course, the twin who just came out is:
And then we have Melrose as…
I know this aired, like, twenty years ago, BUT THIS IS STILL TOO SOON.
Now listen, I don’t want to give this family a millisecond more of my time unless it’s watching any of them do a perp walk on TV, but her Melania, wig notwithstanding, is somehow the least-worst of them all.
During judging, the girls are asked to give impromptu commentary of red-carpet footage featuring some of the judges, and while CariDee, Eugena, and Brooke excel, A.J., in my humble opinion, nails it. And by nails it, I mean nails my feelings watching this entire episode.
During deliberation, the judges get a little peckish.
Me four minutes into doing something I've been putting off for two months.
Meet you there!
To everyone’s surprise, the judges eliminate A.J., who has consistently done well, but that hat was the last nail in the coffin. Just kidding, they felt as though she lost her drive to remain in the competition. Which, fair, I would lose my drive to live if I had to share a bathroom with, like, ten other people.
Jaeda is spared for the third time, and the rest of model-hopefuls go home to await yet another week of hijinks and homophobic wigs.
***
Well, another walk down memory lane together comes to an end. What episode should I recap next? It’s up to you—sound off in the comments below!
Credits
Cover art by: James Jeffers
Editorial assistant: Jesse Adele
You can follow my other unhinged missives by following me on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook. My debut memoir, Born to Be Public, is out now.