Celebrating Mental Health Awareness Month by Microdosing Mushrooms
Yet another effort to reduce my debilitating anxiety.
I’ve been burnt out ever since I got home from a trip to Los Angeles two weeks ago. I was burnt out before my trip, if I'm being honest, but I had a reading scheduled and was set to appear at my publisher’s table at the Los Angeles Times Festival of Books; I couldn’t really afford to turn into the rotting tree stump I envisioned myself becoming, just decaying in a forest somewhere. Also, no amount of burn-out could ever compete with the surreality of walking into a bookstore in Hollywood and seeing your own book on the shelves. (I guess I can say I made it in Hollywood?) These magical moments aside, I was white-knuckling it, with no break in sight.
I hit the ground running as soon as I got home to Brooklyn, more events and deadlines abounded. Not to mention that I’ve been without my pain meds for weeks by virtue of a miscommunication with my doctor’s office, so, on top of around-the-clock stress, I’ve also been in (even more) constant pain, including losing sleep because of it, my arms and legs on fire. My anxiety (and depression, following closely behind) has been drastically elevated, everything feeling warped around me, my energy and focus nowhere to be found.
Thankfully, one of my best friends was flying into town to spend a few days with me, and she suggested that we try microdosing mushrooms. I had heard about the benefits of using mushrooms as a mental health treatment, but had always been hesitant to try them for fear of having a bad trip. I’ve only just recently started using marijuana to help ease my chronic pain and panic, but am still taking baby steps as far as incorporating other plant-based psychoactive medication into my treatment of mental illness and chronic pain.
Upon further research and an honest discussion with my friend, I learned that taking a small dose wouldn’t cause any perceptual changes—I wouldn’t even feel high. While I’m not opposed to getting high, I was mostly interested in something that would target my elevated anxiety and depression. Psilocybin, the hallucinogenic compound found in mushrooms that shares similarities with serotonin (the mood-regulating chemical that I devote every day to seeking more of), is, as suggested by more and more research, to play a role in reducing anxiety and depression. Check and check.
My friend also told me that my senses would be heightened—that the world around me would be textured in such a way that it would allow for a (pleasant) full-sensory experience—so she proposed walking around outside. I finally agreed to try it, and, after eating a small portion of a stem, we decided to enjoy a beautiful spring day in the East Village.
After getting some iced drinks from a local café, we made our way up towards Fourteenth Street with the intention of walking around Union Square Park. As we walked through the East Village, occasionally stopping into a shop here and there, I started to realize how nice the breeze felt on my face. But nicer than usual. I thought, Oh, that’s what she meant. Colors and sounds stood out more, and my knees and my legs felt soft, but not like I was about to keel over—it felt more like the concrete of the sidewalk was rubber. My pain, although present, felt more like a memory. Before long, I forgot that it was even there.
As we got closer to Union Square, we decided to pop into Forbidden Planet, the iconic store that sells a wide range of comics, toys, graphic novels, and other collectibles. We were immediately overwhelmed by a case of patches by the door, wanting to buy every other one, but the thought of interacting with someone that wasn’t each other had to be carefully evaluated. After deciding to return at a later date, we moseyed on over to The Strand, where even browsing became an insurmountable task. (I won’t say that I forgot the alphabet, but I’ll type it.)
It became abundantly clear that we couldn’t handle anything beyond the tulips of Union Square, so back outside we went, into the sunshine and throngs of others trying to soak up every ray.
***
Later that day, with the mushrooms still working their magic on us, we winded down with a show on HBO. I found myself able to focus better; I wasn’t anxiously checking my emails or constantly refreshing my social media feeds. Small things that would usually stress me out—clutter, other tasks I hadn't gotten to finishing, even the perpetually crying baby next door—barely fazed me. For the first time in I don’t even know how long, I finally felt y’all's little "the present" that you keep telling me to remain in. And you know what, five stars! Would recommend.
Not to sound like a cheesy infomercial, but: that’s not all! My sleep that night was uninterrupted, which, for me, is unheard of. Truly, make a wish. I usually wake up multiple times, having to either pee and/or spiral. And, even though I could have kept sleeping the next morning, I didn’t feel groggy. I didn’t feel fully alert, but at least I wasn’t praying for death, which is usually the first step of my morning routine!
If anything, it was nice to flip the script of my usual day-to-day to a much-welcomed reset after weeks of the same.
***
I’m not saying I’m ready to fly to Peru and do ayahuasca (I can shit my pants at home—and for free!). I am, however, interested in further exploring the role of plant-based psychoactive substances in my life. I’ve been on a cocktail of antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications since I was nineteen, and will probably need to remain on medication for the rest of my life.
While I’ve accepted that, I also fear the long-term side effects: that while the combination of medication I’ve been on has helped make living with anxiety and depression more manageable, they’ve also numbed my feelings on the whole. It’s like I’ve lost my ability to see the world in HD; instead, I’ve gotten used to seeing the world in low resolution. If things like marijuana and psilocybin can help turn that brightness up, then why not? I would rather seek relief from something natural than reach for that bottle of benzos.
Though there remains a stigma around any drug use, there has unequivocally been a transformative shift from America’s racist ass war on drugs to things like CBD dog treats. Recreational marijuana is now legal in eighteen states; several cities have decriminalized “magic” mushrooms; and things like ketamine therapy continue to rise in popularity. In addition to wellness culture claiming what had once been deemed contraband by the U.S. government, studies continue to be conducted nationwide to further investigate the medicinal effects of psychedelics and hallucinogens.
I’m hopeful when it comes to diversifying coping mechanisms for folks living with mental health disorders and chronic illness and pain. I can only speak for myself, but my quality of life has greatly improved ever since incorporating things like marijuana, CBD, and a number of elements from Eastern medicine into my care regimen. And now, I look forward to exploring the benefits of microdosing—that of mushrooms and beyond.
In the meantime, start placing your bets for how long it’s going to take my mother to call me after sending out this newsletter.
Credits
Cover art by: James Jeffers
Editorial assistant: Jesse Adele
You can follow my other unhinged missives by following me on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook. My debut memoir, Born to Be Public, is out now.