Hi, friends. Can I have everyone’s attention, please?
It would behoove me to apologize to all of you in advance of our first round of UNO. The person I am about to become is in no way a reflection of the person you see sitting here in front of you now. Please don’t take any of the following things I may say or do personally, as any emotional regulation I have worked hard to achieve through years of therapy will immediately be rendered null and void the second I pick up these cards I’ve been dealt.
I think it’s safe to say that I’m the least confrontational person in this room. Remember that time we all went out to dinner and I failed to disclose my gluten allergy to the server, and my meal came with a side of breaded potatoes which I ate with aplomb, then immediately excused myself to go to the bathroom, where I remained for twenty minutes? When I returned, I told you all that I gotten wrapped up in a conversation with a stranger, extolling the benefits of Invisalign after they saw me putting my trays back in in the bathroom, and had asked if it was worth the investment. The truth is that I had been outside, waiting for Uber Eats to deliver the Benadryl I had ordered from CVS while the unsightly rash I had developed continued to spread all over my body. That person will no longer be in the room with us.
My temper may escalate to levels you have never witnessed from me. I ask you all: When was the last time you remember me blowing a fuse? You can’t! Even when I let Mark borrow my car a few months ago, and he left me with two parking tickets that he promised to pay, but never did. “No worries!” I chimed then.
You should worry now, Mark.
I am not proud of the person you are about to meet, but unfortunately, this behavior is involuntary, like when a doctor taps on your tendon with a reflex hammer. Rachel, you may even consider unlisting me as your children’s emergency contact, but I promise that any fissure that threatens to erode the bedrock of our warm, decades-long friendship over the course of this game will dissipate like morning mist thereafter. No hard feelings! Unless you pull some bullshit like telling me that I can’t stack Draw 2 and Draw 4 cards.
In this house we stack cards, even though this is not my house. I’m mindful of the fact that we are all guests in Brooke’s lovely home. I thank her for having us over, and can’t sing her praises loudly enough. And while I applaud her superlative hosting skills, I will not hesitate to flip this table should she—or any of you—cross me with a Plus 4 right before I put down my final card. Remember who introduced you to your agent, Brooke.
And Jake, I will still drop you off at the airport on Wednesday. You know I always keep my promises, especially to you. I’ll never forget the favor you did for me when you drove my mom to her doctor’s appointment while I was out of town. Please know that any threats to revoke my offer during this round of UNO are empty, and will not impact my ability to ensure your timely arrival for your upcoming flight. Probably. Depends on how you deploy your Skip cards.
I know there are no teams on UNO, but there are sides. I implore you to carefully consider whose side you’re on. I’m looking at you, David. We’ve been together for what, almost six years now? And what a blissful six years it has been! We’ve never even raised our voices at each other, and I can count the number of times we’ve argued on one hand. Let’s leave my other hand out of it, yes? Now is not the time to forget how uncomfortable we’ve found that couch we bought off Craigslist to be, babe.
I want each and every one of you to know that I value and treasure our relationships, ergo my reason for apologizing now. You know I would do almost anything for you guys, as I know you would do for me. That being said, I do have one request to make before we commence playing: who is willing to bail me out of jail later?
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Yours,
Greg
Credits
Cover art by: James Jeffers
Editorial assistant: Jesse Adele
You can follow my other unhinged missives by following me on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook. My debut memoir, Born to Be Public, is out now.