The Most-Appropriate Times to Shout "UNIQUE!" Like Beyoncé
Like when you spell "necessary" right on the first try.
Between all of the drugs I did in my twenties, all of the weed I dose myself with now, and my fibro, I have very limited space in my brain. Truly, I can barely remember my own zip code on most days. But one thing I will always have room for is that one lyric everyone—no matter if they’ve heard the song once or a hundred times—will shout in unison.
Like anyone with a pulse, I’ve been jamming to Beyoncé’s latest magnum opus, Renaissance, on repeat. My favorite tracks change once a day, sometimes more, depending on the time and my mood, but one that remains in my top three is “Alien Superstar.” Not only is it an instant bop, it contains my favorite lyric: “UNIQUE!” So straightforward, yet boundless in its expression.
Not only is it fun to sing along to, it is also, I find, a lyric applicable to a number of scenarios, some of which I’ve listed below. If you feel like I missed one, feel free to add it in the comments—it’s called community care!!!!!
1. When you call out of work on your birthday.
2. At the end of grace.
3. When you’re so hydrated, your pee comes out clear.
4. When you actually eat that bag of salad you bought at the grocery store before it goes bad.
5. When you spell “necessary” right on the first try.
6. When you win Uno.
7. When you have gotten a summer job at a water park, and you want to add a little cherry on top right before launching a poor, unsuspecting prepubescent patron down a water slide.
8. When someone asks if you have any cash on you—and you actually do.
9. When you’re at Cheesecake Factory waiting for a table, and your pager starts buzzing.
10. When you need a form of emergency protocol, kind of like a call-and-response, for those times your gay friends and you somehow get caught in a riptide of straight people rushing to celebrate the semi-annual return of the McRib.
11. Just, like, when you walk into a Dippin’ Dots.
12. When you’ve been living inside of your crush’s wall for a year, dressed as a giant moth, and you’ve decided it’s finally time to make yourself known.
13. When you’ve—oh, no!—had to ask the person you’re speaking with to repeat themselves more than twice. Just shout it loud enough to disorient them, and hopefully they’ll forget what they were saying because instead they just slowly back away from you.
14. If you meet Beyoncé, hello!!!!!!!
15. When you come.
Art by: James Jeffers
Editorial assistant: Jesse Adele
You can follow my other unhinged missives by following me on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook. My debut memoir, Born to Be Public, is out now.