To spare your brain cells, I try to space out my frivolous malarkey—like recapping old episodes of ANTM or matching your mental illness with the perfect plant—but I am breaking my own rule today. Why? Christopher Meloni.
In celebration of National Nude Day a few days ago, the Law & Order star bared it all in a new ad for Peloton. I have been unwell ever since; someone fetch me an IV, stat.
Need a minute? It’s fine. I needed the whole weekend ever since I saw this on Friday. My views on this video alone will catapult it way beyond the “Bad Romance” music video any day now. In the meantime, I’ve thought of some things I would be more than happy to let Meloni do to me, and it would behoove me to share them because in this house we speak things into existence.
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1. Step on my neck.
2. Split me in half like a clove of garlic.
3. Back over my foot with a Kia Soul.
4. Hurl me into an active volcano.
5. Tie me to some railroad tracks.
6. Wrap me in plastic and pound me down with a mallet.
7. Slowly close the lid of a panini press on my hand while maintaining eye contact with me the entire time.
8. Spoil the TV series I’m currently invested in while wrapping me up in a rug before hurling me into a creek.
9. Give me unsolicited health advice after singeing my eyebrows with a crème brulée torch.
10. Stuff me into a cannon and fire me directly into a haunted lagoon.
11. Tattoo my worst Goodreads review across my clavicle.
12. Blot my pizza.
13. Explain cryptocurrency while practicing knife-throwing on me.
14. Do every item off of this list in front of my parents and partner.
15. Touch my hair.
Credits
Art by: James Jeffers
Editorial assistant: Jesse Adele
You can follow my other unhinged missives by following me on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook. My debut memoir, Born to Be Public, is out now.